One of the things I loved about the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan was the way it dealt with mental health and positivity. A pivotal moment in the series is when the main character, Rand Al Thor experiences a mental breakdown and has to ask himself why he is fighting to save the world. I think it is a very emotional moment it can be applied to everyday life. We all have to ask ourselves what we are fighting for, what we want to live for. I find this especially true during my more down moments.
Recently, I have had to ask myself this question. I was extremely down, as in not wanting to wake-up, slit my writs depressed. On the surface I had no answer. However, I kept asking myself and I figured out that I am fighting for a better future. It took a lot to get to that answer. My depression is like a piranha – it eats my soul alive. But it helps to have something, even something simple, to fight for. It gives me a place to work from. So, find what it is that you are fighting for, and fight like your life depends on it. It kind of does 🙂
I know that at the moment a lot of students are thinking about the future. I was like you, only a few years ago. I was a good student, and wanted to do the best that I could. So, when it came time to go on the third level, I was at a crossroads. I wanted to study art. As in fine art – painting and drawing and sculpture. But I also wanted safety. So I signed up for an Anthropology course and got into it. It was top of my list, but it wasn’t the path my heart wanted to take. At first I tried to ignore it. I got into second year. Around the end of second year I noticed that I was becoming depressed. Then the dam broke but I sat the end of year tests and did well in them.
I went into my final year and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t lie to myself and the people who I love. I kind of lost my mind. So, I gave up. Funny thing is that I don’t regret giving it up at all. I regret not going to art school when I should have. I regret not having followed my dream, because in this recession what really matters is peace of mind and happiness and all that jazz.
If you are at the same crossroads that I was at here is my advice – take the side that you want to win, not the one you think should win.
When I first found out that I had OCD I was shocked, because I am not a clean freak and I thought you had to be to have OCD. Something that really bugs me is when people say ‘I am so OCD’ when describing something like cleanliness or germs or being a neat freak like Monica from Friends. While they could have OCD (Obsessive compulsive Disorder) the chances are that they don’t. If they did would they really describe it that way. The heart of OCD is not cleaning or being anal about details. While, those symptoms do affect some people, what actually makes OCD is the thoughts inside a person’s head. People with OCD get obsessive thoughts – aka disturbing thoughts – and have various compulsions to try to get rid of them. This is something that most people don’t know. I didn’t know it. I thought you had to be a neat freak.
So, if you are having disturbing dark thoughts and can’t get them out of your head – even if it is only a word, you should go see a doctor. I don’t know how I managed on my own for as long as I did. The thoughts got so bad for me that I thought about taking my own life. That was the last straw for me. If you think you have OCD look it up and go to the doctor. I can’t stress that enough. With the right treatment/medication you can be free from the majority of thoughts.
If you are a normal person, just wanting to excuse yourself for being uptight about things, stop and think before you use a genuine illness to describe yourself. Not only are you insulting people with that illness, you are also helping to mislead real unknowing sufferers.
I have been thinking about blogging a lot lately. I have a mixed relationship with it. I already have a blog, called I Remember Delight, but something about it is just off. It doesn’t work for me anymore. I was reading a book called The Vampire Lestat by Anne Rice yesterday, and this quote popped out a me:
‘You have to pass away from what failed you into what can sustain you. Otherwise – there is no hope’
That pretty much sums up where I am at the moment with blogging. Sondering Shadows is not a blog with a defined anything at the moment. It is about the things that sustain me – books, music, art, writing, opinions. I am not working under any blogging rules on this blog.